My daughter turns 4 on Sunday and I have to share her. My ex-husband and I have split custody and we get along well. But the truth is split custody blows. I don’t want half of my kids. I want all of them.
It’s not
natural.
It’s not supposed to be this
way.
I only get them for 18 years and
that time is cut in half!?
It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.
Today, I gathered myself together and buckled her into her car
seat in her Daddy's truck. I watched her drive away and waved as I pretended to be excited and happy. As they drove away for her birthday weekend….I lost
it. This happens often when I send them off for the weekend. Tears rolled down my face and my
heart began aching. The pit in my
stomach was a dull pain of emptiness. So
many parents would give anything for a weekend to themselves yet I would give
anything to have my girls every Monday, Tuesday and every weekend.
My mind is often filled with questions while
they are gone. What are they doing? What memories are they creating? What if
they are missing me? What if they need me?
It’s not right.
I’m a much better
boo boo kisser than their Daddy. What
happens when they wake in the middle of the night? What happens when they need
MY hugs and kisses? Why do they have to suffer because of our mistakes?
I hate that I’m not going to be there when she wakes up and announces
that she’s 4 on Sunday. I want to make her
that special breakfast that I make just the way she likes it. I hate that I wasn’t there when my other
daughter looked under her pillow for her tooth fairy money for the first
time.
While so many parents go to sleep at night praying for one solid nights sleep, I often cuddle with their blankies wishing I could hold them tight and read Chicka Chika Boom Boom every single night.
I’m a strong woman I take responsibility for my part of the
divorce but it split custody sucks.
I will cry…. then I’ll pull myself together and throw myself
into work to numb the pain but the reality is there's no easy way to share your children. I will focus on the quality time and appreciate the fact that they are in my life. I'm a lucky lady but some days, it just doesn't feel that way.
1. 
1. 
1. 
1. 
