Drop the Guilt

If you are a mom, you probably often assume the role of feeling guilt....constantly.....

If you work outside the home, you feel guilty for sending your kids to childcare.  If you stay home with the kids, you feel guilty because you think you may be able to contribute more financially if you worked outside the home.  When you walk past the organic aisle at the grocery store you feel guilty for not giving your kids organic food yet if you shop all organic you feel guilty for having a high grocery bill. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  When are we going to start thinking like a man and just accept ourselves and the decisions we make and start being nicer to ourselves?

Recently, I started feeling guilty because I have been wanting to wake up earlier to start my day yet I haven't been able to make it happen.  I talked to my therapist about it and she said, "Well, if you want to wake up earlier then you need to take off time in the evening for sleep and reorganize your day."  After she said that I shifted my thinking and asked myself if it's REALLY something I wanted then I accepted things for the moment without feeling guilty. 

Every decision that we make in our lives is based on facts, evaluation, and looking at other options.  Once we make the decision, why not trust and let go??  In addition, we tell our children to be kind to others (and even themselves) yet we are our own worst enemy! Why? 

We have choices.  If you're feeling guilty about not staying home with your children (for instance), make a list of the pros and cons of each situation then remember that you have choices.  Remember all the things you are able to provide because you've made the decision to work and then accept yourself and the choices you've made.  If that's not acceptable to you, start a plan to make a change.  But for today, be proud of the choices you've made and accept yourself fully...without the guilt!!

Looking for Signs...

Signs....Signs....Signs....
If you are anything like me you are constantly praying for signs from God to guide you in the right direction.  You want to be happy.  You want to be healthy and you want to live life to the fullest.  You want confirmation that that the choices you are making are good ones.  You want to continue in the direction of your dreams.....


I am writing this article on my 6 year wedding anniversary.  Technically, it is still my anniversary (since we are still married) but a year and a half has passed since my ex and I have separated.  This past weekend my amazing friend was kind enough to invite the girls and I down for a long weekend at the beach.  It's been a really long time since I've been at the beach so I was BEYOND thrilled to not only be near the ocean but spend quality time with my kids.  Yesterday, we decided to take a trip to Cape May to show the girls the lighthouse and see the shops.  Cape May also happens to be the place where I got married 6 year ago, got engaged, and also spent many family vacations with my ex husband and my kids.  I was excited because Cape May has always been one of my favorite places in the world but I didn't realize how many memories of my marriage would come flooding back.  Fortunatly, the bad memories were reminders that things weren't as great as I had always pretended them to be and a reminder that I was now living a truthful life.  But the great memories were something I thought I would cherish forever and they were fading.  Tears were filling my eyes as I hid beyond my sunglasses.

What happened next was right out of a John Cusack movie...
only no beautiful ending...
This ending only left my friend and myself scratching our heads....

We were driving around with the girls looking for a Wawa so we could get coffee.  The GPS took us way off track and down by the ocean-down a road I didn't really want to drive.  We ended up driving right past where my ex proposed.  I told my friend what was on my mind and shared with her what had happened in that exact spot 8 years ago.  Tears started filling my eyes, not because I wished that we were together again but because that fairytale romance was no longer alive.  The life of me being with my price charming and living happily ever after has now ended in bitter text messages and a nasty divorce settlement. 

But what happened next was beyond crazy...

I looked over and saw a man running.  He stopped to cross the road and looked right at me.  It was my ex, the person who proposed to me 8 years ago in that very spot, and married me 6 blocks away on a Friday just like today.  It was the person that I am technically still married to.  We looked at each other completely confused and I pulled over to allow the girls to say hello.  He ran over and kissed the girls and said hello.  We chatted like out normal cordial chatter during drop offs for the kids....

but my head was spinning....

I said goodbye and got back in the car and my friend and I were completely in shock....disbelief actually.  I tried to make sense of it all.  Why am I here right in this moment.  Was there a lesson to be learned? 

Life is crazy.  We're constantly looking for signs from God.  We're looking for answers to life's mysteries and of course we all want to know what God wants from us. 

It's confusing.

It's frustrating.

It's a grieving process.  I'm still grieving the perfect little family that I had always hoped for that has now been redirected.  I know that one day I will find new love and I will put this behind me...

But somedays I still wish that God had given us the tools to make things work.  I mean, I know that we are both good people.  We both go to church.  We both love our children immensely and we even had so much in common.  Yet it wasn't our destiny that we grew old together.   

I'm not sure why we ran into each other but I will pray and try to make sense of it all just like I do with all the things that seem to confuse me in my life! Sometimes I just wish life came with a little map....not a clearly defined route...just one that gives me clear directions when I'm lost.  I know that we aren't going to get back together.  I know that's not even a life I want anymore.  But this particular scenario left me scratching my head asking "why?"

I may not know what my journey will look like.  I know I'm going to make many more mistakes in my life but the truth is that my starting place and my ending place is all I really need to know.  I can map my own destiny but the journey is not for me to know.  It's all about me trusting in God, working hard to do the right things, and enjoying the ride.

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