Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Dealing with loneliness during the holidays

I wrote this article 2 years ago around the holidays and I think some of you that are feelings lonely can relate...


Single life is weird.  One minute I am feeling empowered, happy, and free to do whatever I want..
and the next moment I feel like this...
And then come the holidays...I think Charlie Brown said it best... "I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?"

Then I think about my ex...
I sure do hope he's as sad as I am right now.
I've asked my therapist if she thinks I am crazy? Maybe mania or personality disorder? "No," she says, "Just going through a divorce."
I was talking to a guy who had served in Iraq as a Marine and he was telling me a story about how his mom asked him if he needed anything one day and he said, "Mom, I've been through combat and a failed a failed marriage! I can handle it!" So of course I asked him, "Which was harder?" to which he replied, "the failed marriage". 
Yes, I know everyone says..
So how do I turn that pain into growth? If I was Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City I could write all day and night and wear super cute shoes, date super hottie guy named Big, and go drinking martinis with my friends.
BUT I 'm not.
So, maybe I should go down the street and make this guy my friend...
Nope, the bartender down the street is not that cute and I don't even think he looks as friendly as this guy.
Then my mind starts to drift as I stare at the three Christmas stockings hung on the mantle...
But remember Toni...they weren't good and you weren't happy!!!
oh yeah...
 So, why am I so jealous when I see friends all dressed up going to fancy Christmas dinners for their husbands work parties...
Sometimes, I just want to feel pretty.
I want to NOT be in the drivers seat for one minute.....I don't want to be in charge...I want someone else to take care of me just for an hour or so.
I want to be Julia Roberts in Eat, Love, and Pray and just get away.
Or the chic in How Stella Got her Grove Back..
But I'm not.
Then I remember...
Then I remember...I am me and I am great.
Is it true?
Nothing makes me grow more than lonliness and challenging times...IF I choose to let it.
There are so many things I can do to run away and ignore the pain (jumping into another relationship, partying, eating, shopping....)
But none of these things will help me grow....
Pain will help me grow....
Loving me and being my BFF will help me grow...
if I choose to see what's in front of me...
Instead of looking behind at my past..
Instead of focusing on the things I don't have..
I can work on finding my PURPOSE...
you know my reason for being here...
and unlike most Moms...I don't think my reason for being here is to be a Mom.
I think there is a career waiting for me that will help others and make me feel fulfilled.
Something that will make a difference in this world.

No comments:

Post a Comment