When to Face the Truth

I have to admit, I've recently been having challenges with my children.  I've let the rope out WAY too far and needed a wake up call.  My children and I were recently invited out with some family members to spend time together and then go out to eat dinner at a local restaurant.  There was a lot going on that day and I won't get into all the details but here's the point.  My kids were not behaving and it was my fault. 
There are times in life when kids misbehave for a variety of reasons...maybe they are sick, tired, there's a misunderstanding, or they just make bad decisions just like all of us do.  This time however, it was my fault.  The kids were throwing tantrums, talking back, and not listening at all.  Why? Because I was feeding into their bad behaviors without even realizing it and rewarding their bad behaviors.
When I left the party, I was mad at the person that was treating us to lunch (because of some of the comments she was making about the kids behavior and how I was reacting to them).  Funny how we can spin something to feel better about ourselves..isn't it?  I decided to confront this person over the phone the next day and the conversation quickly went in a direction I did NOT expect.  She said, "Your children's behavior was not acceptable at our house the other day."
"EXCUSE ME?" I quickly defended myself and my children.
She responded by saying, "You are letting them control everything and rewarding their bad behaviors constantly with attention!"
I was shocked. I was mad.  How could she say something like this? I am a single mom doing the best that I can!? PLUS, the advice she is giving me is what I tell OTHER families during my social work and nanny days.  This is what I talk about on my blog!!! OMG! She was right!! How did I let this happen?! 

I hung up the phone and processed the conversation for a few hours.  I cried a lot.  I realized that I was getting in a pattern of babying my kids without even realizing it.  At one point she said, "Do you realize that your children aren't 1 and 3, they are 3 and 5!!" Shit.  She was right.  I later apologized and felt horrible that I let this happen.  We talked for a while about some of the things I was dealing with in my life and also why I was letting my children behave this way.
For me, it's so easy to get a pattern where we just distract our kids instead of holding our ground.  We may even start negotiating instead of saying a firm no when needed.  We get tired and give into things without thinking it through and then they learn that we don't mean what we say.  We give them too much rope and try to reason with them as if they are adults.  But it ends up making things worse.  So much worse.  Sometimes we need someone daring enough to be honest and tell us what everyone else is probably saying.  I respect that.

The next few days I began changing my ways.  It hasn't been easy (and I know I will slip back into old patterns at times) but I'm really grateful for someone to be honest with me and tell me to step it up.  I've already seen a difference in my children's behavior and I'm sure it will continue to improve.  Sometimes we need someone to give us a wake up call.  We need to be told what we can change in order to make things better and if we're not open or receptive we will never be able to improve as parents or as people in general.  I truth is, I had sought out advice (from my inner circle) about the struggles I was having with my kids.  The problem is that these are the people that always tell us what a great job we're doing and are our biggest cheerleaders....which is good because we often need support.  They may be scared to give us parenting advice in case it affects the friendship.  Often, they may be the kind of people who make the same mistakes we do and don't even realize what we're doing.  I'm learning to really be open to people that aren't afraid to give me the cold hard truth.  God knows I need it.
The truth is, it really does take a village to raise a child...and it takes a village to raise a Mommy.

FAST FORWARD 3 weeks and things are MUCH better.  We still have our challenging times but I'm learning to focus my attention more on positive behavior and ignoring other attention seeking behavior (especially from my 3 year old).  As a parent, it's often so hard to figure out when to help our kids through struggles, when to ignore, or when to discipline certain behaviors.  I have a feeling that those challenges will always be difficult to decide (even when the kids are older!)  However, I realized that I needed to face the truth and step up to the plate a bit.  It wasn't easy to hear but my kids and I are happier with more structure and discipline in our home...it's what we needed.

Terrific Tuesday! Why I parent each child differently

I'm a firm believer that we need to raise each of our children differently because we all have different needs, motivations, and perspectives.

I often hear people say, "I'm not sure what happened to Sally, we raised all of our kids the same way but she came out differently!"  I have heard parents say to their child, "I don't know why you're angry, Joshua got the same treatment and HE'S not upset!"

We all have different needs at different times.  The more we try to "be fair" with our children at EVERY juncture by spending equal time, giving the same exact consequences, and giving the same kind of love, the more we're going to isolate our children.  Let me be clear, parents need to be in charge and make sure that their children know healthy boundaries and make sure their children follow the family rules with similar consequences when they deliberately make a very bad choice.  However, we also need to take time to think about how each of our children think and conduct themselves individually, especially when talking to them after they have 'cooled off'.

Here's an example.
Nathan and Jerry are twins.  Technically, they should be at the same level because they are the same age, however, Nathan needs more help communicating his needs and Jerry is more independent and seems happier. Because of Nathan's challenges he may need more reassurance than Jerry.  That's not to say that Jerry should be ignored.  Jerry's needs are different.  We all have different times in our life when we have different challenges and needs.  We all have different LOVE LANGUAGES and our needs may be met differently at different times.  The more we can really LISTEN to our children, the more we will understand their behaviors and needs.  This isn't always easy.  Here are some reasons to give your child a unique approach.

1.  We all have different needs and we want to be special and unique in our own way.  My daughter and I have a private talk time EVERY day.  Build in a time when her and I can talk about any problems she is having.  After we read together, we turn out the lights out I ask her if she has any questions for me or any problems that she's having at school or at Daddy's house.  She really likes this time and asks some great questions.  

2.  Understanding birth order.  

(This picture is thanks to Bring it on home blog)

Birth order is very important because we want to be sure that we are challenging our kids in different ways.  For example, the youngest child needs to be a leader at times and be expected to be responsible (even though they are the youngest) and the oldest child may need to be a follower and not have to worry about being responsible all the time.  The middle child may need more dates with a parent individually or praise for being a leader or being a silly follower and not just being the peace keeper.

3.  Everyone reacts differently when we're angry.  We all do things for a reason.  Sometimes we need attention, sometimes we need validation, sometimes we need love, and sometimes we need boundaries.  As adults, some of us have a tendency to shove our feelings inside when we're angry, others may act out aggressively.  Some of us get depressed, others get experience anxiety but we all struggle with HOW to express our anger or frustrations appropriately.  Teaching children appropriate ways to express their anger (especially by YOUR example) is the best way that we can help our kids navigate their feelings when they encounter challenges in their life.

4.  Offering different rewards for outstanding achievements.  As parents, we want to reward our children (when they go above and beyond the call of duty) but it's important to remember that we don't all appreciate the same things.  One child may enjoy a simple long walk with a parent as a reward while another child may want cash or a toy (no, it's not bribery, it's incentives!)

The bottom line is, taking the time to REALLY understand your child's individual needs is what really matters.  If we are careful to not label them as "the needy one" or the "the easy one" and instead help them to feel confident and self assured because they are special and unique they will feel valued and be more likely express their feelings appropriately.

How Martial Arts Has Made Me a Better Mom

I never had any desiere to practice martial arts until I was 25 years old.  I randomly stumbled upon it and it changed my life forever.  What I thought would make me strong and safe turned into something that gave me the tools to conquer anything I want to do in life...including parenting.

Parenting is one of the toughest but most rewarding things I will ever do.  If I didn't have the tools that I learned from marital arts I really don't know what I would do.  Patience, self discipline, structure and respect are the best qualities a mom can have and my favorite tools for creating a positive environment for my children.  Although there are many times that I forget to use these tools, I am able to be flexible and patient with myself to get back on track and be the type of parent I want to be. I am so thankful that marital arts has made me become a better mom and ultimately a better person. 

This is me receiving my black belt in martial arts in 2007

Creative Parenting Tricks

 You know those times when your child says something to you that may be appropriate but is on the fence of being disrespectful? Kids are great manipulators and they like to see what they can get away with (even though it may be disrespectful). Here are three questions to ask your kids which will empower your kids without drawing a line in the sand!

1. TODDLER: Mommy, I want it now!!!"
    PARENT: "I'm not sure why you are talking that way?"
2. GRADE SCHOOL CHILD: Mom, you don't know anything!!"
    PARENT: "O.k...let's start this conversation over again. Let's turn this around!" Now stand up, turn around and sit back down again (and have your child do the same thing!)  
3. CHILD: "My teacher is an idiot! She doesn't know anything!"
    PARENT: "Hmmm...what would you do if YOU were a teacher and YOU were trying to teach your students and they wouldn't listen to you?"

Avoiding Power Struggles

I have learned this lesson so many times and yet I continue to fall in the trap.  You know the deal, there are many sayings that basically give the same message..."it takes 2 to tango" "letting someone live in your head rent free" or my favorite, "never wrestle with a pig in the mud, you will get dirty and the pig will like it."  All of these sayings have the same message, you can choose to be part of the problem or part of the solution!  So, what does this mean for you as a parent?  We have choices!

Recently in the media, the producer of Two and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre, did his first interview since Charlie Sheen was fired.  Despite all the drama that Charlie Sheen created in the media about the "feud" between him and Lorre, I was shocked to hear that Lorre believed there was no feud among him and Charlie Sheen.  He fired Sheen and then continued with the show, never trying to mend the situation or clear the air.  Basically, there was no air to clear because Lorre was focusing on other things.  The feud was one that Sheen was having with himself! He could have chosen to be part of the drama Sheen was creating but instead he choose to step aside and focus other things.  I think this is a great lesson for us all! SO, how can this be a lesson to parents?

Children often create "drama" to get attention or to avoid something they don't want to do.  Basically, we have the choice as parents to argue or not to argue.

It takes two people to argue and children will argue if they can (or because they can):) Of course, some arguing (or discussing) is inevitable, but remember that children often do things because they CAN and if you participate than you may be contributing to the problem instead of the solution!  The next time you find yourself in an argument with your child, try to figure out another way to solve the problem or evaluate your role in the situation!  Sometimes, it really does take 2 to tango!

Toddler Tuedays: Biggest Mistakes When Giving Time Outs

First, let me say that in all my years working with children, time outs really seem to be the most effective way to give a consequence to a child ages 18 months (depending on maturity) to age 8 (also depends on maturity).  Also, let me add that giving time outs as a nanny is MUCH easier than as a mom!  However, when done correctly, I really believe that time outs can be an effective tool to teach a child boundaries and set limitations.  There are a lot of parents who feel that time outs are a waste of time, however, when parents stick to doing the time outs consistently, they are often successful. 
Here are a few of the top mistakes parents often make when giving time outs.

1.  Overuse.  It's imperative that time outs are reserved for urgent matters (dangerous situations or unacceptable behaviors) There are times when a parent is tired exhausted and may use a timeout when responding to a child's behavior that is not necessarily very critical for needing attention (for example whining, not listening, making a mistake).  These situations may just call for a reminder or warning instead of a time out.  Overusing time outs can lead a child to give up on 'trying to do the right thing'.  He or she may feel overwhelmed with demands and "throw in the towel" while trying to meet your expectations.

2.  Talking to much.  Once you get to the point of a timeout, there's no turning back meaning to discussion.  The only thing you need to say is "you need to be in time out" in a stoic/non emotional manner.

3.  Giving up too quickly.  The initial timeouts are usually the most difficult.  Once your child realizes what's expected (and what will be tolerated), they will give up and begin to stay in time out on their own, however, getting to that point can be brutal! I remember picking Sienna up and putting her back in time outs for 45 minutes the first few times I was using it.  The good news, you won't have to do this every time. Also, you won't need to go to the gym after this work out!;)