There are so many days when I say to myself, "It's not supposed to be like this." The truth is breakups in your 20's are heartwrenching. Breakups in your 30's with 2 kids in tow is devasting.
Everyone knows those romantic comedy movies that pull on your heart strings. Remember the movie The Notebook....you know the part when Noah says, “So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.” Remember Bull Durham, “Well, I believe in the soul, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”
What about one of my favorites, When Harry Met Sally. When he says to her, "I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
Am I naive to think that this kind of love might really exist for me again?? I had it before and I want it again. I don't think I'm bitter about what's happened in my past-they are only lessons learned-at least on most days.
Anyway, these movies all leave you with a feeling of hope-a feeling that you too might find that wonderful dreamy love we all yearn for even if we have to go through heartache. But these scenes are made by beautiful actors who overcome these tragedies and end up dying in the arms of their loved ones.
But what about me? What about those moments when my four year old comes into my room at 6am and starts crying for me to get out of bed and all I can do is beg her to please give Mommy 10 more minutes and hand her my phone to play a game because I can't find the energy to lift my head up and face the day. What about all those dates that you go on and think that it's love at first sight and then get crushed by date 3 when you find out that you weren't meant to be together at all? What about those times when all you want is for someone to ask about your day and hold you and tell you that everything is going to be OK. What about those times when you don't know if you will ever find love again?
I consider myself to be a very trusting and faithful Christian but it's so hard sometimes to understand what I am supposed to learn from these lonely, desperate times when it takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other.
I have met many other single people and I see them hurting as much as me....maybe even more. They want more than anything in this world to be loved.....just simply loved. But why can't it be that simple? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why are there so many lonely people in this world feeling the same exact way? Why can't God give these people the tools they need to build a life they want and have a successful relationship?
What about Dirty Dancing, when Baby says, “Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.”
I am 36 years old. I thought by this age I would have so much figured out but divorce has humbled me and made me question everything.....everything. I often feel like I am building myself from the ground up and I can't see 2 feet in front of me. Like I am in one of those whack a mole games when you keep trying to come up and someone keep whacking you back down.
One more of my favorite movie quotes from the movie Love Actually...
"But for now, let me say — without hope or agenda, just because it’s Christmas and at Christmas you tell the truth — to me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you. Until you look like this [picture of a mummy]. Merry Christmas.”
Well, I sit here pouring my heart and soul out into this post in the hopes that I might empty all these hurts from my heart and make room for love and joy.....but of course I would be happy for even just some contentment and strength to pick my head up and brave through the road ahead.
You know what I hate the most? I hate that I question everything now. I question if my marriage was a happy one, I question if I should have done things differently, I question what I can bring to someone new. I question my purpose and my priorities and I even question who I am. I question who will read this and if I shouldn't be writing this.
So, basically this post has no point, no agenda, no reflection or aha moment. This post is simply a broken hearted me pouring my heart out on my laptop with tears running down my face in the hopes that one day there will be someone I meet that is perfectly not perfect. Someone who is humble, loving, gentle, kind, honest, and makes me want to be a better person. Someone who cares enough to ask me the right questions when I'm being an idiot, and hold me tight when I'm angry and tells me everything will be alright. I want to be dry under the umbrella while someone I love keeps me out of the pouring rain.
I'm fully aware that romantic comedy's aren't real but just for today I want to experience the passionate, crazy, vulnerable love that exists in my imagination. I am so tired of dating the wrong people and wasting my valuable time on people that aren't right for me. I want my life to be an etch a sketch and shake it like crazy and start everything over.
I will end with a quote from the movie Notting Hill, "Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” Will it ever be that simple?
