How Martial Arts Has Made Me a Better Mom

I never had any desiere to practice martial arts until I was 25 years old.  I randomly stumbled upon it and it changed my life forever.  What I thought would make me strong and safe turned into something that gave me the tools to conquer anything I want to do in life...including parenting.

Parenting is one of the toughest but most rewarding things I will ever do.  If I didn't have the tools that I learned from marital arts I really don't know what I would do.  Patience, self discipline, structure and respect are the best qualities a mom can have and my favorite tools for creating a positive environment for my children.  Although there are many times that I forget to use these tools, I am able to be flexible and patient with myself to get back on track and be the type of parent I want to be. I am so thankful that marital arts has made me become a better mom and ultimately a better person. 

This is me receiving my black belt in martial arts in 2007

Too Many Chiefs, Not Enough Indians

Sienna (my 4 year old) has recently been having problems with the other kids I take of during the day-arguing, getting frustrated, etc.  I have been trying to figure out the problem and why this is occurring.  Then I went to a parent teacher conference with her preschool teacher and asked her teacher if she had seen these problems with Sienna at school.  She said no and then asked me if the other kids were 'leader type personalities'.  Then it sunk in with me! Sienna and her friend are both leaders and sometimes I think that gets in the way of playing together.  SO, now I'm on a mission to try to help Sienna to learn to be an Indian (and maybe me too! :)  as well as just accept their personalities and desire to be in charge.  It makes me think...being a leader is great but when is it better to be an Indian? 
Funny thing is I have given one of my very best friend, Nicole, the endearing nickname 'leader' because she is always the one to start initiatives and make things happen when we are together as a group!  She organized our shore house and tends to be the one to send out many of the girls night get together emails.  Being a leader is a great quality, and even though I consider myself a leader as well we both seem to be on the same page (and don't butt heads very often).  I tend to have a lot of ideas and she tends to make things happen with a plan. 
Watching young girls playing is very interesting because they start so young being the one who is the "mom".  I definitely think being a leader is an innate characteristic but it can be influenced by others. Being aware of your child's personality can help you understand why he or she gets frustrated and how to help them communicate effectively with others.

When Your Gut Isn't Enough

Intuition is a funny thing.  It really is.  How many times have you been told as a parent to "follow your intuition!" and you secretly want to scream "I would if I knew what it was". I really hate when people tell me that.  Intuition is a funny thing.  Many people say that intuition is what 'feels right to you' or 'listen to what your heart is telling you'. Jessica Cohen at www.FoundTheMarbles.com wrote a great article about being your child's advocate but I still struggle with this issue.  What if I don't know what feels right to me? 
Since gut feelings are based on your prior beliefs and experiences, how do we know that following our gut is the right thing?  Depending on how we grow up, the things the feel 'right' to us may not be in our best interests.  You may have grown up in a house where we should never 'rustle any feathers' so being assertive feels absolutely uncomfortable...and even against our intuition! The fact is that some of the best decisions I've made in my life did not feel comfortable or 'right'.  My head told me to do one thing and my gut told me to do something else.  Making those hard decisions went against everything that felt 'comfortable' to me.
 
SO, my question to all of you is how do you know when to listen to your heart and when to listen to your brain?  When do you throw away all the facts and follow your heart or is it best to follow the rules?  When we're raising our children we're constantly faced with decisions about weather to trust the teacher, doctor, or even another parent or if we should go out on a limb and not follow their advice.

For me the answer is a lot of prayer and careful consideration-sometimes a pros and cons list.  Talking to close friends helps too.  While it's important to trust others (especially professionals) we must also remember that we are humans (teachers, doctors, and psychologists) and humans make mistakes or make decisions not in our best interest all the time.  If you don't feel comfortable about something-why not ask questions and ask what other options you have?  Often times we see things in black and white instead of realizing that we have many choices.  Sometimes it's best to be logical and sometimes it's best to follow your heart.  One thing I know for sure is that I screw up.....a lot.  I make mistakes and that's OK.  Sometimes I listen to my head and sometimes I listen to my heart but in the end I will be o.k and I'm still a good mom.
  

Is Your Child Brave?

Being brave can mean many things to many people because being brave it is an action that makes something happen..makes anything happen.  Being brave is about overcoming your fears to accomplish your goals. As an adult this means so many things (because our lives are complex) but for children, this is simple because their lives are simple (at least they should be) so overcoming their fears to accomplish their goals might mean something simple like eating their vegetables, conquering the fear of the dark, approaching a bully, or trying out for a sport that they have never done before.  Maybe even saying no to peer pressure.  Being brave is an essential tool for your child's success in everyday life.  Here are a few ways that you can help to foster courage in your child's life..

• Remind your children about times that they overcame their fears (ie. sleeping alone or trying a new food) to encourage them to find the strength and courage to do other things that they might be scared about in the future. Also, ask them how they felt when they accomplished the task.
• Give opportunities for them to talk about issues they're worried about and how they can overcome their fears.  Try to encourage and not judge.  Then ask them how they felt after they accomplished their goal and of course how proud you are.
• Tell stories about things that you were scared about and overcame in your life and how it made you feel or made your life better.
• Remind your child that if they try and fail- it's ok.  Many of the most successful people failed the most but they didn't give up trying.

Letter From a 4 Year Old

Dear Mommy,
Believe it or not, I am simple.  I like singing. I like eating.  I like learning new things.  I get scared of the unknown but your arms and voice can easily calm me. When I'm scared or frustrated and you begin to yell at me it makes things worse.  I want you to love me.  I know I can be frustrating at times but all I really want is your love and acceptance.  I know I tell you I don't want your kisses but the truth is I really do. I know I tell you that I don't want your rules but I like them because they let me know that I am safe and that you care about me.  I know I am loud and hard to please but I've only had 4 short years to learn to problem solve and find out who I am.  I am learning what my voice sounds like, how people respond to me, how things work and what I like. I know you always tell me how easy my life is but my problems seem as big as yours in my little world.  You might be scared of losing your job but I am scared of getting lost in the supermarket. You may be stressed about how to pay your bills but I am stressed about how to be a "big girl" like everyone says I should be when I really just want to stay a baby.  If my sister makes fun of me it really does feel like the end of the world.  My sister is my world.  I know it's so hard to remember what it was like when you were 4 but try to remember that I'm just new to this world and it will take me many years to learn all the life lessons that will help me solve my problems. 

Changing our Negative Patterns

We all have habits that we would like to change or behaviors that we wish to change (or maybe urgently need to change).  Whatever the case, we need to take responsibility for our actions.  One thing that's easy to do as a parent is to loose sight of our goals by licensing our behaviors....what the heck does that mean? Here's an example...
One of my parenting goals is to be a patient parent.  What does that look like?  I want to be a parent that yells rarely, listens often, helps to problem solve, and gives appropriate consequences when needed.  So, what derails me from these goals? When I get frustrated I often excuse my behaviors by thinking about how I could be worse (you know, spanking, screaming, alienating, abusing drugs, lol!) Yeah, of course there's crappy parents out there and if I compare myself to them I suddenly feel much better and my behaviors become excusable (at least in the moment!) Maybe you compare yourself to your parents and say "Well, at least I'm not doing THAT!" This kind of thinking may excuse your behaviors in the moment but it will keep you with guilt and keep you from being the kind of parent you want to be.
If your guilty of licencing your behaviors, than being able to identify these patterns is half the battle!  Focus on what kind of parent you want to be and compare yourself to the kind of parents you admire (instead of the ones you dislike).  Ultimately, you are the only one to compare thoughts with because you know the kind of person you want to be and what you need to do to get there.

4 Parental Sayings That Hurt Your Credibility

1. "I mean it this time!" (I'm guilty of this one!)
You mean it THIS time but not the first time? O.K, guess that means the first few times you said that was just a warning?

2. "Wait til your father gets home!"
This message clearly states their father has more authority than you.

3.  "OK, if you don't come with me now, I'm leaving you!"
You are not really going to leave your child in the mall (at least I hope!).  Threatening things you can't follow through on will sooner or later ruin your credibility.  You're child will figure out that you won't really leave him and starting testing your boundaries.

4.  "Because I said so!"
There are times when this is necessary but if we don't explain to our children why they can't have something we could be doing them a disservice and ultimately setting them up for frustration.